Have a cute gerbil pic, because I'm gonna rant. It's my blog and I can if I want. If you want happy, perky, joyful Lorna - well, I have a podcast over at http://www.youtube.com/shadowydreamer ..
A few months back I was seeing a guy, we went on a few dates, he disappeared. I'm not one to go chasing where I'm not seemingly wanted. I'll try and touch base a couple of times, but if I get the brush off, I'm not going to make a nuisance of myself. I DO want to know why, and if the person won't tell me, I'll be sneaky about it. I want to not repeat the same mistakes in the future. (If they're mistakes, and they probably were.)
So, this morning, friend of a friend of a friend found out for me why he'd dropped me like a dead fish. Its because I'm disabled.
Now, its not even my fibro or my CFS, which are really the things that keep me from having a real job and making more than 15k a year. It was my crutch that "totally turned him off." (His words.)
I have a damaged L5-S1 nerve in my back. Any one who has ever suffered sciatica knows this nerve and knows it well. This means that my left leg gets cranky. Most of the time it's numb, but sometimes it just goes into overload and it's on fire and I'm a very unfun person to be around. Mostly, however, when I abuse myself, my left leg just shuts down and I fall over. Its quite comical, in fact. (Hey, I laugh because if I don't, I'll cry..) So, when I know I'm going to be doing a lot of standing (which is the worst!!) or walking, I bring my crutch.. it makes me able to do those two things for longer as I'm taking it easy on my left leg.
The last date we had, I'd walked over to the coffee shop, and I'd expected to be sitting yakking for quite some time. (I know, me talk nonstop.. hard to believe.) I expected to need the extra oomph to get me home again. Apparently, that crutch ruined all romantic thoughts.
Okay, I can get that I'm not the most fun person to try and deal with in any sort of close relationship. (Friendship or otherwise.) I sometimes have to cancel plans, sometimes I just plain can't do things that I would love to do, sometimes I miss out of events and am sulky. (I'm not blaming my friends for doing stuff without me, I'm just miffed at the universe I don't get to play too. I'd rather they do it without me than sit and suffer because of me!) I get that my sleep schedule is f'd up at the best of times. I tend to have insomnia for two - three weeks, and then my CFS flips the switch and I'm groggy and tired and dragging my feet for two - three weeks. My legs burn when I'm not dead straight on with my meds (which is sometimes a bit of a juggling act). I have other fun issues.
I don't blame ANYONE for not wanting to get involved with me. I'm a mess! I try to hold up my end of things, but lets face it, because of physical limitations there's gonna be extra stress/work on the part of a partner. (There certainly is on my family and close friends.) I try not to be a drag, but life is what life is sometimes. So, if it had been all of THAT I'd get it.
But my crutch?! The sole physical representation of my disability? (Besides the giant circles under my eyes and going on manic posting sprees on FB now and then.) I don't get that.
Yes, its his fault on this one. There's nothing *I* can do about it. I had one guy tell me I didn't phone him enough, he always felt like he wasn't important. (Wish he'd told me while we were going out - I would have phoned more.. I was trying not to be a dead weight/clingy girl.) So now I negotiate what comfortable communication levels are. I'm happy going four days without talking to my beau if that's what their work schedule is. (Okay, not HAPPY, but willing.) Its a give and take thing, right?
So maybe that's why I can't wrap my head around this. Its just so plain butt ignorant.
And why the hell do people just disappear instead of EXPLAINING or at least EXCUSING themselves? Do people REALLY think that a blank wall of rejection is better than closure? Quick rip the band-aid, people.. don't leave the wound to fester.
Okay - done venting. Have another gerbil pic.
And thank you Lena and Jim for dragging me out of mopey mookyland. We'll just work on getting me out of incredibly pissed off land!